Why the Gilmore Girls revival kinda sucked

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS. Lots of spoilers.

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Picture: Netflix

 As you might have gathered from the headline of this blog post, I was not a fan of this year’s much-hyped return to Stars Hollow. I say this neither lightly nor to upset those who enjoyed the four-part revival (I’m sure there must have been some). In fact, it practically pains me to do so, because I was as excited as the next fan to find out what had happened to TV’s finest mother-daughter dream team.

Don’t get me wrong, there were moments. Kelly Bishop shouting ‘bull shit’ several times being one of them. But for me, the highlights were few and far between. And the reason why?

Rory. Gilmore.

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Picture: Netflix

Now I came to the show pretty late – by about 16 years. When it debuted in 2000, it kind of passed me by because I was a Buffy girl and I liked my TV dark and vampy. The gloominess of real life means I now prefer my escapism cutesy and twee, so when I was looking for something to fill the Friday Night Lights/Parenthood void earlier this year, Gilmore Girls fit the bill perfectly.

The benefit of coming to the programme a decade and a half late was that having squeezed all seven series into six months, many of the story-lines were fresh in my head. But that also meant I could easily recall all the times Rory Gilmore was basically a bit of a dick.

And apparently, that hasn’t changed, it’s just gotten worse.

That’s right. Alexis Bledel’s character has always been, as my friend so succinctly put it, a brat. For much of the show’s run her behaviour could be excused by virtue of the fact she was, for the most part, a teenager. But all the revival did was show how Rory spectacularly failed to mature in the decade that had supposedly passed.

Take for example her Trans-Atlantic shagathon with Logan. It’s hardly a surprise he would cheat on his fiancee and it’s not the first time Rory’s played the role of ‘other woman’ either – lest we forget her doomed affair with first love Dean while he was married. So why does it seem more distasteful this time around? Perhaps because her previous indiscretion could be put down to immaturity and raging hormones, whereas there’s nothing to excuse the behaviour of a 32-year-old who pouts when her fuck buddy says she can’t visit because his future wife is there.

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Picture: Netflix

Then there’s her “career”. With a startling lack of perspective she spends half her time moaning about a meeting with Conde Nast being pushed, seemingly unaware she should be thanking the editorial gods they would consider someone whose credentials seem to be little more than one article in the New Yorker and editor of a university newspaper.

When she finally gets an opportunity to write for GQ, she is the height of unprofessionalism, nodding off while interviewing one contact and sleeping with another. It’s never mentioned, but presumably she blows off writing the article altogether. Finally, when she goes to meet a prospective employer she rocks up having prepared nothing and acts like she’s doing them a favour. And she wonders why she’s unemployed?

With her bottom lip firmly stuck out she returns to Stars Hollow where she plays the Ballad of the Sad Millennial like a broken record to anyone who will listen (I have no job, my driving licence expired, I have no underwear, wah wah wah), until Jess sidles in looking all hot and ripped and gives her the blindingly obvious book idea she is apparently incapable of coming up with herself.

Then, when Lorelai asks her not to write about her life for all to read, Little Miss Entitled throws a strop of epic proportions, in an echo of that time she moved out and refused to speak to her mother for months because it was suggested that leaving one of the most prestigious schools in America halfway through her degree was a bad idea. That sort of behaviour was sort of excusable then because no 21-year-old does what their mother tells them, but at 32?

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Picture: Netflix

And just when you thought she had reached the height of dickishness, she then drops the bombshell I sort of suspected was coming: Rory Gilmore, whose future was once so bright, is up the duff (presumably with Logan’s baby, though there’s an outside chance it’s the Wookie’s) and doomed, it seems, to repeat the mistakes her mother made and had every chance to avoid.

My biggest beef with this curve-ball is more with writer Amy Sherman-Palladino. Rumour has it she always wanted to end the series this way, which is deeply depressing but would sort of have made sense given Rory was supposed to be 22. But what excuse has Rory reasonably got to get into that position at 32? Floundering in every aspect of life doesn’t stop one from using a condom, does it?

I recently read an article in which Sherman-Palladino defended the cliffhanger, claiming life isn’t supposed to be wrapped up in a bow at 32. She’s right, but if you’ve given the character every opportunity, support and financial backing, then it’s dreadfully sad to write an arc as subtle as a brick in the face that recycling Lorelai’s past was Rory’s inevitable fate all along.

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Picture: Netflix

I guess the only thing you can say in Sherman-Palladino’s defence is that when a show ends with the loose ends neatly tied – and as we all know, she did not write season seven – where do you go? Lorelai finally had her happy ending with Luke, while Rory had a bright career ahead of her as a journalist. To fill 360 extra minutes of plot you have to fuck it all up to make something to watch.

What we witnessed was Rory becoming a total disappointment and a load of half-baked story-lines in which we were supposed to believe Lorelai would have left thinking about having another child until she was 48 (having apparently never discussed it with her partner of nine years) and having to ‘find herself’ Wild-style. And don’t even get me started on the Stars Hollow musical segment.

If we’re being honest, all anyone really wanted from this was to know who Rory ended up with (Team Jess, btw) and on that basis, the Gilmore Girls revival was a total flop. Except when Emily told the DAR girls where to shove it. Emily forever  ❤

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Picture: Netflix

Yet more things that never made sense in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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Copyright: Getty Images

To mark its shock removal from Netflix UK (damn you!), here’s 20 more things that never made sense in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

  1. Why didn’t The Master’s bones turn to dust like every other vamp that took a stake to the chest?
  2. Why did Angel start wearing that weird beige coat in season 2? Was that his ‘I have a soul’ coat?
  3. Why did The Anointed One look like so much like Billy the coma kid? V confusing.
  4. Why when Angel went on the cargo boat with the Judges’ arm did he jump in the water to save Buffy? Can Buffy not swim? Seems like a slayer should be able to swim.
  5. Speaking of – for all of Buffy’s super senses, why did she never wake up when bad shit crawled across her face at night? (I’m talking that weird egg and Bad Angel with his creepy cheek-stroking).
  6. How come the cops ‘dropped charges’ against Buffy for Kendra’s murder?
  7. Why did we never see Joyce’s ‘art gallery’?
  8. I know it was convenient for locking up werewolves and the like, but why was there a cage in the library anyway?
  9. Why was Willow’s dad always ‘out of town’?  And how come her ‘super strict’ parents never said anything about her passing up Oxford for Sunnydale University?
  10. Given that she didn’t go to school or have a job, what did Faith do when she wasn’t slaying? And what did ‘five by five’ even mean!
  11. How come you can take photos of a vampire but you can’t see their reflection?
  12. How did all the demons know martial arts?
  13. Where did Giles’ random British girlfriend disappear to?
  14. Who were all those people at Tara’s birthday party!?
  15. What happened to Willow and Tara’s cat?
  16. When Giles left Willow quipped: ‘What will he do in England? He never talks about anyone from there’. A good question Red. A good question.
  17. Did Willow and Tara ever graduate?
  18. Didn’t anyone think it was a bit weird that Giles wasn’t at Xander and Anya’s (non) wedding?
  19. What happened to the temple Dark Willow raised? Did it go back in the ground? Or did the residents of Sunnydale just go, ‘oh, that old thing…’
  20. Seriously though.. when did Xander have time to be ‘in the army’?

… and if that weren’t enough questions to be going on with, here’s a few more.

20 Things That Never Made Sense in Buffy the Vampire Slayer 

Kids in the mid-1990s fell into two camps when it came to Buffy the Vampire Slayer – those who fancied the pants off Sarah Michelle Geller and those who wanted to be like her.

That show was pretty much the reason for the popularity of crucifix chokers, chunky shoes and velvet dresses among teenage girls (oh who am I kidding, I still rock velvet), but dodgy fashion choices aside, those who loved the teen drama the first time around still enjoy watching it now.

My friend Emily and I have both been wasting hours of our lives revisiting the show on Netflix in recent months and two things have stood out for us – it’s way darker than either of us remembered and there are a hell of a lot of plot-holes that never dawned on us when we were wrapped up in the Buffy-Angel-Spike love triangle.

Here’s a few of them.

1.How did Joyce’s house get repaired every time it was destroyed? That place got trashed about a thousand times and no-one ever picked up a paint brush apart from that one time Xander boarded up a window when he ‘became a carpenter’. 

2.Ditto the Magic Shop.

3. Come to think of it, how did Buffy afford to keep that house after Joyce died when the only money she earned was from flipping burgers at the Double Meat Palace?

4. Why did the Scooby Gang always run everywhere and no-one ever had a car except Giles’ clapped-out banger?

5. How did Buffy acquire such an extensive wardrobe? The girl never had any money or went to the mall yet had a different coat for every kill.

6. Why on earth did anyone think Buffy would be a good guidance counsellor? Not exactly without her own issues was she? 

7. How come nobody questioned why Buffy was alive even though she had a burial and a headstone in the cemetery?

8. Why did everyone in Sunnydale seem oblivious to the fact that weird shit went down every single day? 

9. In fact, the only people outside the Scooby Gang that acknowledged the ever-present evil was the Initiative, who Buffy only ever seemed to bump into once by accident despite patrolling nightly.

10. Why were the previous slayers Spike killed fannying around in New York and wherever and not getting their asses to the Hellmouth like Kendra and Faith did?

11. Why was the Watchers Council in England? And why were there so many watchers when there was only supposed to be one slayer at a time?

12. Why did the Big Bads all wait patiently in turn to destroy the world on an annual basis?

13. Same goes for the fight scenes  – why did all the evil nasties queue up for a beating? 

14. Setting aside for a moment the fact it was a useful plot line – why didn’t B just jack in the slaying gig when Faith turned up?

15. On a related note, why wasn’t another slayer born after Buffy died in season 5? Was it because Faith was still technically a slayer even though she wasn’t around? Or did slayer production stop after an heir and a spare?

16. How come when Spike tried to have his wicked way with Buffy in that bathroom scene she didn’t just kick his ass like she did the other 1,256 times?

17. Dawn. So many questions it’s too hard to narrow down. You pick. 

18. How come Willow et al didn’t carry more weapons on their person? You’d think they’d all at least carry a stake yet were woefully unprepared at almost every turn. 

19. Speaking of which, when vampires got dusted why did their clothes disappear too? Surely they should have ended up in a little pile on the floor?

20. How come Buffy NEVER carried a bag unless it was a big holdall full of weapons. Where did she keep her keys, her money, her extensive collection of frosted lipgloss?!